Continuing with my inside political news, kids, I was hoping, by this morning, to be able to announce an absolutely BREAKTHROUGH campaign. It’s been delayed, but, I just can’t contain myself. Promise not to share this with anyone. If you quote me, I’ll deny it. Promise?
Okay.
As you know, our chosen one Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney has a Mormon problem and it has two faces:
1. He has a known religion.
- No one likes a candidate connected with a religion unless it is their own religion. So, although it could be expected that more Mormons would vote for Romney because he is a Mormon, there are more “identity voters” who would NOT vote for him because he is a Mormon. (“Identity voters” are people who vote for personal similarity; blacks who vote for black people (“black like me” and vice versa), women who vote for women, bald people who vote for Donald Trump.) This is true of most religions.
2. His entire political career violates his religious beliefs.
- That means that out of the minority who would vote for Mitt just because of his religion, an influential and large group of its “true believers” would not vote for him under any circumstances because of his record. What a nightmare.
- This creates a “worst case” scenario: a candidate whose “religion” hurts him, both across the main stream of voters AND in his own demographic.
But personally, I figured out the answer to this problem, did my homework (or, to be precise, contracted with others to do my homework, paying them with your donations (thank you xxxooo ;) ), and put a proposal for the solution on the campaign’s desk. It is still there awaiting final approval. Here it is:
As you may know, the Mormon church has been running a PR campaign in Colorado Springs; Rochester, NY; Minneapolis; St. Louis; Pittsburgh; Oklahoma City; Baton Rouge, La; Tucson; Jacksonville, Fla; Spokane; and the Seattle/Tacoma area. It features the faces of engaging people and the theme “I’m a Mormon.”
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↓(Click on any of those to get a closer view.)
It highlights human appeal, action photos, and attractive characteristics of Mormons from around the country.
So why not run a similar Mitt Romney subcampaign to solve his “Mormon Problem,” taking our cue from the Mormon theme? Based on that idea, I took the liberty (yes, we can use the word, too) to work up some respective ads.
Yes, kiddies, I know. I’m suggesting that Mitt deny his faith. And that worries some people, but what’s the worst that could happen? He could lose some Mormon “true believer” votes? Well if they’re “true believers” he’s lost most of them already! And he’s probably denied the faith before now in every way you can imagine with words alone. This campaign is just making it official. And he’s doing it in ways that will make him more electable with mainstream voters, delivering up all the things that made him such a success in Massachusetts!
My plan is to follow-up with other stuff that echoes the “I’m a Mormon” theme, but with Mitt’s own peculiar twist:
This three-panel billboard design has the color and charm of the real LDS ads and will associate Mitt with a more “real man” macho image. Something he’s really lacking. If the ads really take off, we might even do some versions that show him drinking coffee.
One other benefit of the campaign will be that the “true believer” Mormon faction (boy how I hate people who actually believe things) will probably be much happier by the time the general election rolls around and Mitt moves waaaaaaay to the left. They will be more comfortable not being associated. That’s their problem! As for us, it’s ON TO THE PRESIDENCY! On to more patronage jobs! What’s that theme again?
ANYBODY BUT OBAMA!!
Doris Grupa is Executive Director of Midstream Republicans of Washington.
Napoleon Dynamite is a Mormon. (well, the actor who plays him is)