The State of New York today became the thirteenth State to sign the International Declaration of Preemptive War (the IDPW), Joining Illinois, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Maryland, Vermont, Maine, Delaware, Rhode Island, California, Oregon, Washington and hundreds of State and Federal officials, former Presidents and other prominent individuals. Speaking at a “declaration of preemptive war” formal cotillion, Governor Andrew Cuomo quipped, “If we can make it here, we can make it anywhere!” amid rumors that the State’s legislature is meeting later in the week to consider preemptive attacks on Taiwan and the Vatican. Speakers also included George W. Bush and President Barack Obama (speaking through a teleprompter).
Despite the wording of the resolution there was general agreement at the affair that the real purpose of the International Declaration of Preemptive War was not war at all but peace and security. “It’s not about making war,” said former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, “The IDPW is about making every State safe for our families.” Another former governor of that State, William Jefferson Clinton, concurred. The former President became very exercised as he spoke and emphasized every word with a gesture as he defended his White House administration: “I did not wag the dog with that NATION!”
It was a very diverse crowd here in New York’s huge and legendary Roseland Ballroom. Both Bushes were present along with former New York Senator (and Arkansas first lady) Hillary Clinton and the former Mayor of the city, Rudy Giuliani, brought the house down with an encore of his previous night’s performance here (for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis House of Latex Ball). It was a show-stopping impersonation of Margaret Thatcher he delivered in full drag. Dressed as the former British Prime Minister, Rudy quoted calls to arms by Winston Churchill and this from Thatcher, herself (on the Falklands): “Everywhere I went after the war, Britain’s name meant something more than it had.” Giuliani spoke in a perfect falsetto that mimicked the former Prime Minister but sounded much more feminine.
Sponsors and spokespersons of the Declaration were available for the press citing long lists of “rogue nations” and “backward States” that were doing awful things, usually for religious reasons. “We can’t stand by and let bad things happen,” said Washington State lobbyist Michael Young. He asserted that, “We need to fight Islamo-Fascists to protect Jews, we need to fight Christian Fundamentalists to protect gays and abortionists, and we need to fight civil libertarians to protect our ability to fight all these other people. We cannot be intimidated by extremists clinging to guns and religion and Tea Party terrorists!”
“So-called ‘Constitutionalists’ who whine about needing a Declaration of War can’t complain after this,” Young asserted, “this (the IDPW) covers everyone and everything.” He explained that “the historic doctrine of preemptive war” was a flexible unilateral declaration against everyone for any reason that takes the shackles off our political leaders at every level. “War is an inalienable right,” continued Young, “that accrues to Presidents, Governors, and Political Party chairmen.”
Young had been flanked throughout the evening by former Senator and 911 Commissioner Slade Gorton (retired) who seemed dazed and disoriented, but as Young spoke he finally found his voice and spouted, “Arrests without charge! Indefinite detention! Warrant-less wiretaps! No habeus corpus! Surveillance cameras everywhere! Think of the foreclosures! Enhanced interrogation! Go, team, go!”
In a generous gesture of solidarity, State and federal officials signing the Declaration were presented with the complimentary new automobile of their choice by General Electric Corporation. “This is history!” said a GE spokesperson, “For the second time we have the thirteen original Colonial States!”
Doris Grupa is Executive Director of Midstream Republicans of Washington.